Adult Humour

Sex Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

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Three guys in a bar
There are three guys who go to the same bar after work every night. One night two guys are sitting around when the third guy comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.
The other two ask him, “Why are you so happy?”
“Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to cum I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time.”
The next night the second guy comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face and tells the other guy, “Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to cum I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great!”
The next night the first two guys see the third guy come into the bar pissed as hell kicking chairs as he made his way over to them. The third guy says, “Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick and she shit in my face!”
Surgeon & Mechanic
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the servicemanager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,”Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?” The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ….. (Guess……….. what doctor would have said ??).......Please try to find out your own answer….....Here is the answer…....He said : “Try to do it when the engine is running”.
How to screw a telemarketer
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do? Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, “But I don’t have any friends…Would you be my friend?”
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder…louder…louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems…”
10. Catch them off guard by saying in a husky voice, “What are you wearing?”
11. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really male.
Making love to a woman
MAKING COFFEEMaking a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPETLaying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you’re adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPERWell, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENTPutting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an’.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CARWashing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You’ve got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you’ve got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPYAnd yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string ‘em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASHGoing to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it’s a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHINGGoing fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of shot in your bag.
Fascinate
The teacher asked her students to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’ so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”
Morris going to die in 24 hours
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you th ink we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning… you don’t.”
Monty Panesar jokes
The third Test at Mumbai gets over and India has posted a fourth-innings score of a hundred runs leading to a massive England victory. Duncan Fletcher decides to have a one-on-one with his team after the match to ensure that the winning habit is retained. The tack he chooses to take: “Let us learn from the losing side and ensure we do not make the same mistakes they did.”
The first person he calls is Ponty. “So Monty,” he starts, “can you tell me what is the one lesson you have learnt from the Indians in this match?”
Monty ponders for some time, scratching his patka, his beard, his ear and finally answers: “Teamwork, sir.”
Fletcher is a little confused, that was not one of the answers he thought was relevant to the situation. “Why do you say so?” he asks.
Monty’s reply: “Well sir, all our players keep trying to score centuries on their own. The whole Indian team has got together and hit one century.”
* * *
Shaun Udal is overwhelmed by getting Sachin Tendulkar’s wicket in the last Test, and decides to go on an all-night drinking binge, after which he tries catching a Mumbai cab back to the hotel at 2am and is promptly run over and killed. Ponty decides that it is his duty to give an obituary and promptly lands up at the Times of India office the next day.
“How much for an obituary?” he asks the person at the reception.
“Fifty rupees per word sir,” is the reply.
“That’s not much.” Monty thinks. He writes on a piece of paper and passes it over to the receptionist. “Ok, please print this in tomorrow’s edition.” On the paper are two words - “Udal dead.”
The receptionist is taken aback. “I’m sorry, sir,” he says, “this won’t do – we have a five-word minimum limit, I mean, the message has to be at least five words long.”
So Monty thinks for a while, edits the message and passes it back. It now reads “Udal dead. Kit for sale.”
* * *
Fletcher believes that to do well in India, one must not just understand the cricketing aspect, but also the social, economic and political situation there. One day he decides to take a class for the team. “Do you know” he says, “that every time I take a breath, a girl child dies here?”
Monty is quite perplexed at this. He turns to Liam Plunkett and asks: “Why can’t he just use mouthwash?”
* * *
Though Monty has lived all his life in the UK, on his visit to Mohali he is overwhelmed by patriotic fervor and decides to buy an Indian flag. He goes to a shop adjoining the team hotel and asks for a flag.
The shopkeeper shows him a range of flags of different sizes.
Monty thinks for a while, shakes his head and says, “Can I see some colour options please?