Because i'm a guy

BECAUSE I'M A GUY   Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote controlin my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I wasable to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I willfiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestionsthat we call a road service until long after hypothermia hasset in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I willpop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'mlooking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say tothe other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but nowwith all these computers and everything, I wouldn't knowwhere to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone tobring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed andmoan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't anissue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basicgroceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot beexpected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For allI know these are the same thing. And never, under anycircumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops workingI will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence thatthis will just cost me twice as much once the repair persongets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, andno, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why wouldyou listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HEknow where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'mthinking about. The answer is always either sex or football,though I have to make up something else when you ask, sodon't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to herwhen she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't needto see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom,too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one morebeer and I really have to go," and mean it every single timeI say it, even when it gets to the point that the one barcloses and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. Iwill find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call youto tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand whyyou threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end ofit, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio whenBruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, Ihave to tell you every single time about how Bruce had hispicture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, orhow Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits hisgrave. Please do not behave as if you do not find thisfascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago wasfine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt orwithout it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Canwe just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the '90s, I willshare equally in the housework. You do the laundry, thecooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.