Morning Wood

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING *** (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentallywalked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men'swashroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to everhit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just soI'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now isthat men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can gointo a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will stillmanage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down hisleft pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm nolonger allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I amrequired to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that thisis a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to thetoilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soakedtoilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgotto put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,but because you and I have become such good friends and youthink I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with youbecause it's a real problem, and you ladies need to beunderstanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendousdesire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamondswith it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get thatthing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over thewallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you womeninsist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seatcovers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. Sothat means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seatand the other hand to try to control ourselves for thatperfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know theguys in here will back me up on this) you think you can getthe toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. Youjam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seatstays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then thatcompressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warningthat damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whackoff your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it'sjust not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morningsituation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on thetoilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bathtowels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if youare sitting down and you can get it forced down under thetoilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out fromthe crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the topof the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and itruns down the back of our legs on to that damn matchingfuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front ofthe toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with thismorning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying supermanposition laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great dealof practice, perfect balance, and split time precision butit's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totallyto blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene andbathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things justget beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been aproblem!!!